Before you can end a relationship, one must first begin. Some people choose to take their chances in bars or grocery stores. Others let friends pick their short-term life partners. And others still put themselves on the market via 30 word personal ads. I've got a bone to pick with personal ads.
The wording of theses ads is what gets to me. It’s apparent that some of us are not being completely honest. Who actually goes on long walks on the beach anymore? If you live 200 miles or more away from the beach, find a new hobby, like bowling. I think it actually has to be a euphemism for something; perhaps "I like horizontal walks on the beach."
I feel it is my duty to decode some personal ads as a public service to you, so that some poor soul doesn’t get duped into thinking they’ve found Mr. Wonderful summed up in 30 words or less.
Please note that the following ads are just samples. There is no number to get in touch with these people, as they do not exist.
Women Seeking Men:
What it says: SWF, 5’7, 155 lbs, likes movies, reading, dining out, dancing. Seeking quiet at home SM for friendship and dating, possibly more.
What it means: I like activities that require minimal talking because I’m not much of a conversationalist. I’d like to meet a deaf mute to pass off as my boyfriend to catty girl friends.
What it says: Artistic SWF, 38, seeks emotionally/financially stable SWM 25-45, no games, that will appreciate the goddess in me.
What it means: Looking for a sugar daddy to worship and support me in my artsy phase and won’t go psycho when I dump him for the art gallery owner.
What it says: Cute, SBF, 26, seeks funky, spunky, secure, open-minded, cute guy, under 32, height-weight proportionate, for fun and friendship.
What it means: I’m feeling experimental sexually and want someone who won’t freak out at my "co-ed naked" theme parties.
Men Seeking Women:
What it says: WPM, mid 40s, seeks mature, open-minded, lonely female for casual dating. Race/age unimportant.
What it means: Booty calls abound.
What it says: Successful Executive seeks adventurous female for LTR. I am 46, romantic, very attractive, and know how to treat a lady. Like me, you enjoy worldwide travel, dancing, living life to the fullest.
What it means: Going through a mid-life crisis and need a young tart to appreciate the convertible and hair plugs for business dinners and kinky late night rendezvous.
What it says: Attractive attorney, very attractive, picky DWM, youthful 6’1, 175 lbs, brown/blue, loves adventurous yet normal life. Seeking attractive S/DWF 24-38, to marry and have a child.
What it means: My firm will make me a partner if I get married, but I’d like to keep my convertible and mistress on the side.
With the increasing amount of websites devoted to personals, it’s hard not to get sucked into reading the ads. And while we may not find true love, isn’t it fun to see there are people out there more desperate than you?
