If you thought calls from telemarketers at dinner were bad now...
On June 19, Reuters reported that British engineers have invented a tooth implant that works like a mobile phone. The "tooth phone" consists of a tiny vibrator and a radio wave receiver, but no microchip yet. The report goes on to say that sound is transferred from the tooth to the inner ear by bone resonance. This means information can be received anywhere, anytime, with minimal interference. The invention would enable financial traders to receive the latest stock market bulletins while having a lunchtime quickie with the secretary and politicians to receive answers to hard-hitting questions and spelling lessons during press conferences.
I suppose having a built-in phone could be convenient for emergencies of the "I've fallen and my family ditched me in this ill-run nursing facility" variety, but how beneficial would it be for regular folk like us? Tooth phones are about as necessary as breast implants in a cow.
People have proven that they are unable to do two things at once, walk and chew gum, pat head while rubbing tummy, and drive while talking on a cell phone. The latter seems to be a multitask dangerous enough to invoke lawmakers to push for the ban of cell phone usage while driving. The cell/driving accidents aren't likely caused by the driver's inability to grasp a phone and a steering wheel. Instead, it could be the same reason you have to turn down the radio when you're lost- Concentration. It's nearly impossible to absorb and process the petty moaning of your best friend's latest hair crisis and access the critical thinking skills you need to maneuver your car through a bumper to bumper sea at rush hour. Something will always be compromised, and it's usually the tree your bumper takes an impromptu meeting with.
I don't think the tooth phone is the solution.
Just for giggles, let's say you have the device installed. You'll need a service provider. Will all phone companies be on board or will you have to switch service providers? If you forget to pay your bill, will your dentist or installer come out to remove your tooth?
Reception is also questionable. The tooth phone would contain a radio wave receiver. Remember that episode of the Partridge family where Laurie gets braces and could pick up radio frequencies with her mouth? Good reception could prove troublesome for metal mouths. Expect antenna headbands for the first few models. Don't worry, by the time we get access to the technology, wearing appliances and appliance accessories will be all the rage in the fashion world. I'll finally be able to sport my surge protector belt and my toaster shoes.
Convenience doesn't mean less annoying. See, just because others can't hear your caller won't mean they can't hear you. No one may hear your tooth ring in the movie theater, but they will kick the back of your chair very hard if you answer. And if you're sitting next to me, I'll tune my old school portable radio/cassette player to your frequency and block your call.
We haven't even broached the possibilities of crank calls, telemarketers, and busy signals one might incur with this device. Not to mention the fact that you'll never again get to use the "I couldn't get to the phone in time" excuse when your mother-in-law calls. I can already feel the dial tone resonating through my bones. But you can't stop technology from advancing. Someday we'll have the ability to view websites and books from our retinas, send instant messages with our tongues, and download mp3s directly into our eardrums. Yes, the future is filled with limitless possibilities and the opportunity to walk around with tinfoil wrapped around our heads, mumbling to ourselves.
The tooth phone may turn out to be nothing more than a novelty for the elite and powerful. Heck, the implant could never see the light of day outside of a lab. But someone thought of it and we're privy to it. Who knows where it might lead us? If nothing else, it'll make for a nice excuse the next time I'm caught talking to myself in the supermarket.
