Numbers drive our relationships. I know what you're thinking. I hear the shouts of protestations, "No, my relationships are driven by love/sex/money/alcohol." Well, I'm going to prove you wrong, my friend.
For those of you with gutter minds, let’s go ahead and get the obvious numbers out there. Foreplay [insert schoolgirl giggles here], the numbers six and nine when used in conjunction [insert schoolgirl giggles here] one night stands, and those 976 numbers offering "sexy good times for all."
It all starts in a crowded club blasting electronica, you finally catch up with that elusive blond in the sequined tube top (the modern day answer to Charlie Brown’s little red-haired girl) and you ask for her digits. She scribbles seven digits (or 10, if you live in an area that requires you dial the area code first) on a crumpled bar napkin and hands it over with a smile that you suspect must've been surgically placed.
By now, we all know that any number with a "555" prefix is a Hollywood fake (as could be the blond). And any person offering up "666" as their number... well, you might want to take your pursuits elsewhere. Should you dial 867-5309, some grumpy old fellow rather than a saucy "Jenny" will most likely answer you.
Let's move on to the most important number of all- number one. We're obsessed with firsts. There's first love, first kiss, first sexual experience, first fight, First Baptist Church, First National Bank of Cleveland; the list goes on. I can fondly remember my first love, but not so much second, third, or eighteenth. Once you reach the twenty-forth or eighty-fifth, the magic is gone and you're lucky if you can still remember the person’s name.
Three is the magic number, or so the Schoolhouse Rocks song goes. Three dates lead to sex, threesomes, and three orgasms count as multiple. Cosmo, and most other women's magazines, reports with various polls that three is the number of lovers that men want to know women have had. No matter what, they only want to hear you've been with three people. Apparently, anything over three lands you in "party slut" territory. So ladies, pick your three all time favorite sex partners and claim them. It'll make that "Hey baby, how many guys have you been with? I'm the best though, right?" conversation so much smoother.
When answering the latter question, there are two unacceptable answers (tested by yours truly): "Well, you're definitely second best" and "So far." But I digress.
Just when you thought you’d never use math in real life, we get into the mathematical problems. How many days does one wait to call after the first date? What exactly is second base? Who can actually go five hours straight? [insert schoolgirl giggles here] And for those who rely on the stars for relationship advice, there’s Numerology (which is the process of adding your birth date, social security number, and weight together subtracting your lover’s IQ and dividing it all by Pi).
For rainy day fun, try thinking of all the numbers that have become important in your relationships.
